As I want to work on this forgiveness aspect of my recovery I am realizing I have been doing some wordsmithing and jumping over the work that I ultimately need to do. Forgiveness is an act of love, right? I haven’t been able to really think about how to forgive myself for what I did while drinking because it is so tied up with why I drank in the first place: seeking acceptance while self-loathing. How do I forgive myself for hating myself?
When I think back to my family, how my identity formed as a teenager, I came to think of earning love through achievement and that turned into love through competency. I am competent. And when I’m not I have no value. Sadly, I truly believe that, and then I’m resentful of it. Even in my marriage I see elements of this: I take care of the bills, travel, dogs, etc., and that’s how I earn my love, through being of use. When I was in high school I thought if I were to be an animal I would be a worker bee, a fucking drone doing my part to keep things in order among the other faceless masses. Useful, needed, uncelebrated. How uninspiring.
I have created a divide within myself through the façade I have used for decades of a successful confident woman. “Fake it until you make it” has worked well for me to get hard times, and I fake it all day long, then cry myself to sleep with self-loathing, anxiety, and overwhelming fatigue. I carry resentment toward people who I have felt I had to earn my love with them through my achievements, but I set it up this way. I know that I have isolated myself from true connection by acting the part. I have thought, “you don’t really know me, you know what I have shown you. If you did really see me for what I am me, you would hate me.” How do I get at that to pick it apart?
How do I get at that? Writing this out. Asking for help (don’t know how to do that yet). Talking to my inner critic and cultivating a better dialog with myself about myself. This is the work at hand to reconstruct my self-worth beyond a function for others to use.
Here I sit at two months, a gift that I need to give myself is the time to write in this blog today. I have fallen out of practice and it has been squeezed out with other “work” I have been doing for my sobriety and stupid shit I have to work on not related to my sobriety.
I feel like sharing the path that got me to the resources that I want to share with you and where I am at this 2-month mark.
I am “working the steps” in AA, but I’m kinda on pause since the expat group I am a part of here have all gone on vacation around the world, including my sponsor. I have continued with my own program, which needs to include more blogging! Grace, thank you for the email that nudged me to get into the blogging saddle, I appreciate you taking the time to reach out to me.
I’m reading and listening to the book Refuge Recovery: A Buddhist Path to Recovering from Addiction by Noah Levine to supplement my AA program. I read last night about importance of meditation for recovery, especially forgiveness meditation. Start with forgiveness? To me this feels like the hardest part, to forgive myself for being myself, to forgive those that fuel my resentments and previous addictions. Yes, I know these are deep rooted causes from my drinking, but I have to start at the hardest most tender place??? What do I do when faced with these tasks? I ask the internet for help. I now have a few new meditation apps to try out since not one what suited specifically to what I wanted. Why aren’t there meditation apps geared around recovery: forgiveness, resentments, cravings, letting go, self-love, strong emotions, etc.? There is a market to explore out there people!
After meditating for 10 minutes I took the dogs out for a walk and listened to the Edit Podcast, where Jolene and Aidan mentioned “judging others’ outsides by your insides” and mentioned a site where a woman posted pictures from her own Facebook Account and wrote what was going on in her life during the beautiful pictures. I pulled the dogs over and went to this site immediately, since this theme of not judging myself against others has helped me be less self-loathing. I found a new blog to follow (thanks Laura McKowen)! This post made me tear up on the street. At the bottom of this post was this link: On forgiveness (looking for love in all the wrong places) and that made me down right cry in public. This is the point of my post today: I was led to what I needed to receive on how to start forgiving myself. I still haven’t emotionally recovered from these two posts, which tell me they were the truths I needed today to be present where I am: 2 month sober and learning to love imperfect self. And soon learning to meditate on forgiveness.
My first time reaching 1 month sober I was so excited. It was monumental. This time around I’m not excited, I’m not bored with it, I just have one month. Relief? The month went by so quickly, maybe that I don’t feel I really earned it. It was too easy? Was it easy? Yeah, it was easier than the last “first month” because I wasn’t as steeped into the bottle this time around, I was faking normal drinking. And this time around, I got a shiny red coin to prove my month.
I’ve almost completed my drunkalogue. It is not book worthy! The lows are not the lows that are the hallmarks of a woman spinning out of control for years. It’s a thousand of little cuts into my integrity, self-worth, relationships and health. I’m not trying to compete I know, but sometimes I still wonder, maybe I’m not an alcoholic after all. Even writing that, eek! But indeed my life had become unmanageable, I could control how much I drank. I often blacked out.
A couple of revelations came out of writing this narrative of my drinking history.
I’m still going to meetings, mostly I like them, but I continue to bristle at some parts of it. Especially when people seem to discredit those who stopped drinking without AA by calling them a “dry drunk”. I did a lot of work on myself last time around without the formalized steps and that counts, dammit. But I like the community and support and it can’t hurt my sobriety, right? I also can bare to introduce myself every time I speak to the 3 other people there, and follow my name with “I’m an alcoholic” I can’t buy into it as of yet, but I’ll keep going back until something better comes along, or summer starts and all the group chairs go to other countries for 6 weeks.
This month I have taken on two parts of the same goal: calm the consumption. I gave up drinking, shopping for stuff, gratuitous searching online and buying software. I have a little more than a week in my official month. How have I been doing?
Drink: outstanding. Not a drop
Eat: not really monitoring outside of my normal healthy eating goals. But I have been craving sweets since I’ve stopped drinking. I’m allowing myself this pleasure.
Shop: I have bought 2 dresses in the past week. I am more than okay with this. Guangzhou is now in summer weather, which means 95 degrees with 85% humidity. Since moving here I gained over 10 pounds and my tailored suit skirts and collared shirts are both too tight and too hot, most of my clothes I can’t wear. So I threw out one of those tight collared shirts and bought a dress. Then I did that again.
Search: It’s better than before, but I still love to research and learn about shit. I’ve done a lot of reading on AA, got lost in readings and stories about David Foster Wallace, I did reach on which AA app is the best for what I wanted. I paid $.99 for a great little app that has all the AA reading material, prompts for writing and daily checklists with optional reminders. It’s super and/but a little cutesy. It’s called “Came to Believe” or CTB. Look for the Owl logo if you are interested.
I am still here. I am still here. I am still here. It’s been over 3 weeks now of sobriety.
The regular chorus this morning: I am so tired of all the things I think I need to be doing daily that I can’t seem to get much of anything done, even the things good for me or that I want to do. I have been thinking of writing here (self-care) but haven’t been able to get myself to do it because of the weight of all I need to do.
I have been to a few AA meetings now and I’m just starting to understand how the flow of the meetings work, at least for a meeting of 4-6 people meeting in a coffee shop. They are super supportive and it does help to listen and it does help to share…but I feel like my sharing doesn’t come out right most of the time. It’s largely because I don’t know how to thread together a share around my drinking, reasons for drinking, whatever in a coherent way.
With that said, I’m ambivalent about AA. I found myself yesterday searching through Google stories against AA: how outdated it is and resistances to medical advancements for addictions, not a good fit for women, harmfully too narrow with its abstinence only pathway. I did that after my first lunch date with my new sponsor. Yes, I got myself a sponsor. I think I’m doing what I often do: try to research my way out of trying something new that will make me uncomfortable and have to do some work I don’t want to do.
Back to me being so overwhelmed with my work and self-made expectations. Can I take on meetings, check ins, one-to-one meetings with a sponsor as well as do the step work? Where is the time and more importantly the emotional and mental space for all of this new stuff?
My homework from my sponsor is to write my drunkalogue, to get honest with my drinking history. I have to capture 20 years of drinking?? I did start this last night and already I have recalled events that I not thought of in years, which is the point. This is good for me. I know this is good for me.
I used to drink with the best of them, but I don't anymore. My life is so much better for it.
-Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp