A Documented Failed Attempt At Sobriety

Today I was cleaning out an old Gmail account and I found this Google Doc I created.  I last edited it on February 16, 2014.  That is 11 months exactly prior my true Day 1 of Sobriety: January 16, 2015.  Reading it over I can see that I was trying, really trying but not succeeding again to limit/control/stop my drinking.  Until this time, I'm succeeding this time.  I'm at 6 and a half months sober and feeling strong, solid, fucking happy about it.  I ask myself why this time it stuck and it is because I made it my own this time: by writing about it here and by not asking others to be an active participant in controlling my behavior.  I control my own behavior, not anyone else. Others can give me high-fives about it, but I don't rely on them for the strength to resist a drink.

Here's the content of my Google Doc contract with myself:

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Is Drinking Worth The Cost?

Webpages:

• Help Guide
  
• Blog Non-Drinker
  
• Mrs. D Is Going Without
  

Benefits of drinking:

• It helps me forget about work.
  
• I have fun when I drink.
  
• It relaxes me and keeps me in the moment.
  
• It helps me to open up to fun conversation.
  
• It’s the basis of my friend group.
  
• It’s the basis of my marriage.
  
• I like the idea of a drink.
  
• I like people who drink.

Benefits of not drinking:

• I would be healthier overall.
  
• I’d exercise more regularly.
  
• I’d feel better emotionally.
  
• I’d be proud of myself.
  
• I’d have more time and energy for the activities I care about.
  
• Hangovers wouldn’t ruin my whole day.
  
• I wouldn’t pick fights with Husband.

Costs of drinking:

• I have offended people when drunk.
  
• Embarrassment the next day of my behavior
  
• I get depressed the next day after drinking.
  
• I’m ashamed at my weakness to stop drinking.
  
• It gets in the way of my commitment to exercise regularly.
  
• It makes me overeat and crave unhealthy food.
  
• Blackouts.
  
• My digestive tract pain-fear of cancer
  

Costs of not drinking:

• I’d be boring.
  
• I would not like hanging out with my friends as much-they would be boring.
  
• People are annoying when drinking and I am not with them.
  
• It would change my relationship with Husband, possibly negatively.
  
• People would judge me.
  
• Life wouldn’t be as fun.
  

My drinking Goals:
Made Sunday February 9, 2014.

• I will not drink or keep alcohol at home.
  
• I will not drink two days in a row.
  
• I will limit myself to 3 drinks a gathering.
  
• No cocktails.
  
• I will not drink at large parties.
  
• In 3 months, on my birthday, I will evaluate the need to further reduce or maintain my drinking habits.
  
  

email I sent out to my very close friends...

Hi good friends,

As you know, I like to drink and I like to drink with you guys.  And you also know that I’ve been struggling with my relationship with alcohol for some time.  I drink more than I want to way too often and feel physically sick the whole next day and that leaves me depressed, unmotivated and ashamed of myself.  I need to cut back on my drinking, as I’m not ready to stop drinking completely at this point.  Please help me by acknowledging and supporting the goals that I have made today and plan to keep until May 18, 2014.

I know that this probably is annoying... the loss of such an awesome drinking buddy.  I may have to decline social gathering at times if I’m not feeling up to being around alcohol, as I know that my abilities to have only “a drink” at a big gathering usually doesn’t work for me.  

Overall, I feel a bit silly asking for help, I’m not a “raging alcoholic,” but I need it as I continue to fall short of the promises I make myself about my drinking.  This more public goal is the first step to acknowledge that I haven’t handled moderation very well, and that is very scary for me to consider that I might need to become a non-drinker one day...first step cutting back right now.  And I’ll see how that goes.

Here are my goals:

• I will not drink or keep alcohol at home.
  
• I will not drink two days in a row.
  
• I will limit myself to 3 drinks a gathering.
  
• No cocktails.
  
• I will not drink at large parties.
  
• In 3 months, on my birthday, I will evaluate the need to further reduce or maintain my drinking habits.
  
  

You can help by asking me if I’m drinking that day and in general not offering me drinks, I’ll keep track of that myself.

Thanks for the love & support,

I Will Start With Water

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Well, that didn't last the 3 months until my birthday, I can tell you that!  Again, because I externalized the lotus of control from the beginning, I allowed myself to fold when they didn't hold up their end--offering me drinks, or giving me a look, whatever it was that had me saying, "fine already, gimme a drink!"  And when I say "their end" it is as though it is if was a fair deal, like a contract I made with my friends.  I was asking them to hold one side of my shit.  No wonder it didn't work!