A couple days ago, I was bus blogging and my phone lost service, and lost my whole post. It's taking me days to recover. I'm now over the frustration and ready to try again. It's not really a post that can be written again because it was all about wanting a drink after a long, productive and tiring day, and what I would do instead to overcome those cravings. Many days, right? Repeat.
Since my last post I've been thinking about the conversation with that teacher. There have been more conversations and he continues to get under my skin and make me question myself. I re-read some passages from the book After The Tears on adult alcoholics characteristics in the work place that applies to my situation.
Here's a quote:
All [adult children of alcoholics] suffered from low self-esteem, felt worthless, put others first and themselves last, and were poor team players. They didn’t know what normal was, and as a result had a high tolerance for dysfunction in the workplace. Each one of them was hypervigilant, frequently second-guessing the motives or actions of those around them, and each had difficulty trusting the competence of others. They felt responsible for the mistakes and/or emotions of those around them. All felt uncomfortable and undeserving of praise, yet defensive (whether expressed or internalized) when given constructive feedback, and they never felt that their performances were good enough. They had difficulty balancing their personal and professional lives and looked to their work to fill an emptiness inside themselves while continually feeling like imposters.
Yep, that's me at my lowest points in my professional life.
With this teacher, he brings out feelings from my childhood, triggering me to react to those feelings. My family always talked respectfully to each other and we never would talk about or address the bad behavior that resulted from alcohol or any negative emotion really. But I need to address his unprofessionalism and when I did I was floored when he turned around his irresponsibility and mocked me instead of taking ownership of his actions. I would have been so horrified to be called out and would have made it up tenfold but he did not.
I'm upset that he has gotten under my skin. I know I'm in the right yet I'm anxious about talking to him further about the ways he is unprofessional and that he has to change or his job is in jeopardy. Too much wasted energy on him and this situation. Ugh. Stupid. Bummer.
I'm coming down from my Pink Cloud, so long Pink Cloud, stop by again because it was fun.
Yesterday was a bit taxing and one root cause was too little sleep. Another was the dread of confronting teachers who didn't turn in their grades on time. One particularly, who left early on day the grades were due, didn't tell me they weren't done, and on top of that has been hostile and disrespectful when I have addressed his unprofessionalism. He was just as salty and disrespectful as I thought he would be this time. I said my points though, but it got under my skin. And then I have to have that internal conversation, is it because I'm a woman? Is it how I carry myself that opens up that opportunity to challenge me? Basically, how is this my fault that he didn't take ownership of his bad behavior?
It didn't help my emotional state when I share this with my colleague and he asked me if I asked this teacher why he was being disrespectful me. That just magnified my feeling of being a push over. In all honesty, I would have never thought to call the teacher out by directly addressing how he was speaking to me, "Don't be disrespectful, I'm asking a reasonable question. Why you didn't have your grades finished on time?" I have been able speak to students that way but haven't had to have those conversations with adults yet until this year. The world of management...here I am. Just do your job people!
I went through my day churning over that conversation fuming and trying to shake it off. I continued my day: I worked out with my workout buddy after school through an upset stomach and negative cloud. Even exercise couldn't make me shake it.
Then I left my wallet on the school bus and walked into house with Husband radiating negativity from his frustrating day. I didn't have the energy to pull him and myself out of it, so we largely ate dinner in silence to avoid talking about our negative days. Sometimes I can't rehash the work at home. Let it rest, let it be work that doesn't define my person outside of work. Today was one of those days.
We did our separate things, and went to bed early. I did stop by the nail place to get one nail redone, and had a nice time there. She is a lovely woman and I gave her a mini-English lesson and she decided I needed make-up and did my eyes like her. Heavy bright blue eye liner on my lower lids all the way to the corners of my eyes with lots of mascara. Very Egyptian. It was fun to play and see my eyes in a style that I would never wear but she thought was beautiful. She was sharing her beauty with me and she is beautiful. It was nice, probably not an experience I would get in the states when I ask for a re-do on a service. A mini-reminder that I'm in a foreign land where I get to have unique experiences. I treasure that, it lifted my mood.
Today is already looking better for me with my starting spirit. Not a pink cloud, but not a black one either.
It's been an overly social week-end. It has left me a bit unfocused, so much so I didn't honor or celebrate my 3-Month Sobriety date on the 16th. It doesn't feel as big as 2 months. But it is! It is, a forth of a year. 90 days, three months. A demarcation of time passed; new habits and outlooks cultivated.
How should I celebrate? What would be a celebratory event or activity? I need ideas. Maybe taking time to spell check my hastily written past blog posts. So un-profesh. I post and don't look back. Or maybe something that I wouldn't find the energy for while I was drinking?
Per my title, I have not graduated, I will not graduate from Sobriety School. Sobriety can't be crossed off my To Do List. Sobriety isn't something I did. Not water under the bridge. It's one more exercise I practice: along with yoga, meditation, jogging and weights. Intentional but not obsessive. Focused but not tunneled-vision.
Still feeling good and it is starting to weird me out a bit. Sometimes it is difficult to distinguish between happiness and numbness. Am I content or numb from my emotions? I've had panic attacks over feeling numb; it scares me not to care or feel. But feelings are much more easy to identify when they are darker shades. I'm much more comfortable sitting with angst and wistfulness. And they go much better with whisky and indie rock.
Happy seems hollow, fleeting, boring even. Maybe it is just the word and how it has been thrown around too much: "don't worry, be happy." Cheerleaders. Kittens. Emoticons.
I feel calm, centered, satisfied, loved, respected, curious, empathic, connected, lucky, healthy, energized, balanced.
What might be a heavy influencer to my emotion high are hormones. Let's see how I'm feeling in a week, when I'm at the bottom of my menstrual cycle.
In the meantime, I'll enjoy the lightness while digging around to make sure I'm not numbing out. I have therapy tonight. I'm curious if I'll be able to tap into my concerns. Sometimes I'm just not able to access my emotional junk and sometimes when that door gets cracked, all sorts of shit tumbles out. Maybe I'll talk about this very thing with therapy lady.
Bus blogging on the way home from work and feeling good. I have a lot of love to give and energy to spare. How do I capture this feeling to save for the times I have the exact sort of day and just feel crummy for no reason?
Can't blog...need to take in the sights on the bus ride home. I'm savoring the scenes; the fleeting and a messy beautiful pulse of 20 million people living their lives.
I used to drink with the best of them, but I don't anymore. My life is so much better for it.
-Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp