I'm sitting in the sun, pausing from my day to blog. What am I doing to support my sobriety today is a question I have in my head because I saw it in my Twitter feed.
While I haven't really thought of one thing I do to support my sobriety each day, maybe I can do that today. I need motivation to go to my yoga class tonight, I should do it for my sobriety! Leaving the house at dinner time or when it is dark to go do exercise is always so hard. It's so much more enticing to eat a plate of food while watching the new Game Of Thrones episode.
This pause is to remember the power of yoga to channel together my emotions, thoughts and physicality. It is a practice that needs to be done habitually, and it's been over a week. Maybe tonight will help me tap back into that space where I'm a bit more raw. I feel like that place has scabbed over with my vacation but I know it is not healed. Time to dig around in there again.
Yoga it is for tonight. Thank you sobriety, for the reminder to step into the uncomfortable and seek the benefits that wait there for me there.
Its been a while, I haven't even wrote in the sober days of the eighties at all and I'm more than halfway through them. Wow. And so close to 3 months-that's an accomplishment! That's sounding better! And I am feeling better, so much better. So much better that I didn't feel the need to blog when on vacation-I felt too busy and content to find time for any of my personal care maintenance besides to be in moment-so delicious to be unstructured and out of routine for a week.
I was on a cruise up the Nile River to visit the major sights of ancient Egypt-and I so enjoyed the experience: the cruising, the touring, the time with my in-laws. Throughout the week I did do mental check-ins to see how I was feeling about being out of my routines and how I was responding to seeing the alcohol around the boat. No red flags, no urges, no cravings. Feeling happy.
With two more days of vacation I'm still feeling solid, with less urgency to have my sobriety front-and-center. I feel the pull to take a step back from sober world, my time has been devoted to reading, thinking, talking, listening and writing about alcoholism, sobriety and my emotions. I even struggled to pay attention to the Bubble Hour yesterday on my jog-I want to listen to stories outside of sobriety again.
It seems healthy and normal that at about 3 months I would want to broaden my world again-but I have taken the warnings about complacency to relapse seriously. And maybe this pink cloud will pass when work starts and I will need to realign myself with sobriety world to cope. I also know myself that I'm really good at shelving emotions and thoughts to worry about later. So I will continue with therapy, this blog and the Bubble Hour, but will honor my desires to use some of my limited free time for passions other than sobriety. I miss learning Arabic and my brain is ready to dive into fiction instead of recovery.
I'm sitting quietly with Husband's dad on the couch at 6:30am. He just finished yoga and is now reading a book after 24+ hours of travel last night. I'm drinking coffee and purposely up this early so I can take him on a walk around the neighborhood before breakfast so he gets a good tour, doesn't get lost and comes back within a reasonable time. He is in his late 60s and very into his health. He lifts weights, does yoga, bikes, cooks healthy food, does not drink caffeine or alcohol. He looks great.
I will now get ready for my walk with my dad-in-law. I will show him what I love about the early morning in Maadi. I wouldn't have done this if I were drinking. Thank you sobriety!!
On my way to the last day of work before spring break. Two first coming up-a sober vacation and vacation with the In-Laws. I'm not anxious at all about it because the In-Laws don't drink. They were normies but for the sake of self-discipline they gave up drinking years ago. They may be openly excited and ask as many questions as I'm comfortable answering. They will will also be the people who would be actively concern if I return to my drinking ways. Letting them in is another piece of annountability and support.
Living abroad is helpful to let people know in stages and as I'm comfortable. Now that my inner circle of friends know, I can get some time behind me and when I see friends and family this summer I can let people know as we are catching up AND I can be a little less raw, "yeah, I stopped drinking about 5 months ago. It stopped being fun and I got bad hangovers, so I let it go. I feel great!"
I can't wait to say that to someone. And of course, "I'll start with water" is a phrase that makes me smile when I use it. The roots of all of this-a sober journey, a blog name, email address and recently a Twitter account: @iwillstartblog
T-shirts next? Water bottles? Plant pots with seeds? Floaty key chains? My own podcast? Exercise programs? If only I was an entrepreneur.
I just emailed my brother stating that I stopped drinking and that I'm seeking therapy that that I might email questions about our childhood because some of my memories are blurry.
My brother and I are not close. We don't talk on the phone and definitely haven't compared notes on our childhood. In many of my memories he isn't even in them. Where was he and how did he react to the traumatic events of our childhood? I have no idea.
I'm reaching out, hoping for connection and some healing from the safety of distance and email. He is rather emotionally shut down and not easy to talk to at all. Maybe this way I can open some avenues that can help us see how much we have in common and make us closer. I've been perplexed by siblings who are close and hang out as friends. How did they do that? Why aren't we like that? I don't think my brother and I will become best friends but maybe if he's willing to, we can grow closer. As siblings, we can make sense of our shared pasts so we can lead better adult lives.
And now I'm annoyed. Why do I have to work on my relationship with my brother, why can't my family relationships just be fine? Why is it me that has to reach out to him? I don't have anyone reaching out to me! Fuck, why is everything work? Work that I end up in charge of? Geez!
I used to drink with the best of them, but I don't anymore. My life is so much better for it.
-Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp