The last few days I have been fatigued and what comes with that are emotional lows. I've been feeling a bit invisible lately in the social scene here. I've received an afterthought invitation a couple times in a row fueled my fear of being rather friendless. Not true, I know, but still I don't have my go-to friends, I pop into other people's circles when invited and sometimes I'm invited as the event is starting...a shitty invite indeed.
I have my EA friend and my E friend here and that should be enough. And mostly it is, I'm fine with flitting about and sometimes being part of groups. But when I'm tired, I'm down and my perspective is down. I see the worst.
I'm starting to come out of my fatigue, I think, and can put into a better perspective on my social life. One, it is hard to make new friends in a new place. That is clear and the biggest factor. Two, this is exasperated by the fact I live in Egypt and work often defined the pool of potential friends because of language, culture and schedules. Third, there is an even smaller pool who are in my age range of even 8 years either direction. Fourth, I'm admin and most of my options are teachers.
Writing that out and defining it helped. And that my birthday was yesterday helped. Facebook messages and surprise visit from my best friend helped. EA pushing me to celebrate my birthday helped. (She know my sadness around my birthday) thank you EA! Planning vacations with other, now far away friends helped. Convincing myself in due time I will find my go-to friends helped.
What is causing the fatigue that leads me to these dark emotional places? That will remain to be seen. I would like to be able to cut it off before it gets started, so I don't have to be pulling myself out 3 or 4 days later. At this point I'm still blaming my menstrual cycle.
I'm at my birthday, sober and more healthy than maybe I have ever been. Ever. What a good place to be.
Usually I treat my birthday as a mini New Years, where I set up goals or plans for the coming year, usually involving health and habits. I have that mostly under control, so now what? Maybe I can start to think of some one else besides myself for a change! In why way? I need to ponder that.
Back to me and my drinking! 😅
I will have a dinner and celebration for my birthday tonight, without alcohol. Even six months ago that would have been completely unthinkable. But it no longer is, it is my reality. And I like it.
With all those exclamation points, one would assume that I am really that stoked, but while proud and full of wonder, I think crossing over that one month mark to be the most life altering. Those steps were the one that took me off the path I was on and led me here.
So I'm done counting the days now that I'm into my fourth month. I will watch the months tick by as this becomes more and more routine, but the days can just blend into living my life.
Following sentence options:
Here I am at Day 118, I know this because I count everyday. In one sense it has helped me to see the passing of time and celebrate the accomplishment one step at a time. But one the other hand, this isn't a count down. There's no end to this if I do it right. So when do I stop counting the days and just start counting the months? When do months fade into years? I think now actually, at my 4 month anniversary. I thought I was ready at 3 months but I liked the counting so it has continued. I probably have up to 6 months before it would become too obnoxious for me and everyone, but no further. I guess.
And besides, the actual counting of days doesn't match up with the monthly counting because each month isn't equal. So I'll reach 120 days a day before my date anniversary of May 16. Time to start counting months. But what about my title structure? I have a couple of days to think about it.
I also need to think of a way to celebrate my 4 months. One third of a year. That's something that can easily be represented in a pie chart. What should I do with my sober self?
This trip to Paris. This Blog. This therapy. This sobriety. This luck.
I am lucky that at a week before I turn 39 I get to grow, reflect and live my life authentically. I am feeling blessed today, with opportunities that my mom never got and my dad will never take. I have chosen to take on the past and sort it out so that I can live in the present. I've given up the dysfunctional drinking to receive a world much bigger than I thought possible because I had no idea how small my world was becoming.
How lucky I am.
I used to drink with the best of them, but I don't anymore. My life is so much better for it.
-Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp