It’s a rainy Monday morning in Guangzhou, China. I am bus blogging again so I have a friend to start the journey anew. I feel, unknown witnesses, that I need to expand a bit about why I want to quit again at the same emphasis that I have not been out of control since I started drinking again. I would venture that I have only gotten drunk a few times in the last three months. But the changes in me I haven’t liked and the stress of holding my own lines feel too much to bare indefinitely. How many times can I say no? How much effort to I want to put into negotiating the terms of my rules and exceptions. There are always exceptions.
Some of the rules I tried and their success rates:
Changes I didn’t like seeing:
Hello old friends. I'm back. Back for many reasons, but the main reason is that I started drinking again and now I want to stop. Blogging it out worked last time to take one step at a time, maybe it can work this time as well.
Why did I start drinking again?
That is what I have to tease out, but on the surface I really did think that I could re-enter the world of drinking and do alright. I wanted to be less extreme, more in the mix, casual. I didn't drink for 2 1/2 years and it seemed enough of a reset button. I was in a new country, a new context and new desire to be out in the world and make friends. I live in China now instead of Egypt. The bar scene here is cool, IPAs and good wines compared to the regular shitty alcohol of Egypt. I wanted to be part of that world. Also, deep down I was insecure about entering a a whole new social scene where no one knew that I used to be drinker (aka normal).
Why do I want to stop again?
I've been back in the world of drinking and drinkers for 3 months now and I've had enough. I see where this is going for me. But strangely, and I do really think it is strange, it feels hard to stop. It seems like it shouldn't be hard to stop because I've done it before and came to love it. The benefits still outweigh the losses, so what's the deal? Well, as you know, drinking is easy. It makes you friends. It's fun. Until its not fun the next day. I made up rules, adjusted them when I broke them, but did alright for for the most part. Until I didn't. I get hungover so easily too, and for the whole day. Like now. I'm hungover right now and will be all day because I drank 4 tasty IPAs last night.
I can't concentrate very well to even write this. I have so much I want to say but can't organize my thoughts because I'm hungover for the second day in a row. I'm not proud of myself. But here I am right? Day 1, the last day of hangovers, the first day of getting back to the business of being me. Me without the drink.
I used to drink with the best of them, but I don't anymore. My life is so much better for it.
-Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp