Going out with friends tonight for Korean food. I fear the peer pressure and annoyance I'll get for not being the "normal" me. Usually, after Korean food we go to "dive bar" and play darts, drink soju & beer. Not tonight for me. I think I will try out my phrase, "I'll start with water..." But I will need something else too, because I don't want to lie and I don't want to tell the whole truth either. It's easier to confess to the blogosphere than the people know of what my plan is: my vague plan of quitting for a month or on the way for forever. I feel more obligated to the blank space out there, the possible strangers than to my friends to keep on not drinking. Like I said, none of my friends would want me to stop drinking and I can imagine them trying to talk me about of any of this, convincing me I don't have a problem. And I want to believe them.
Part of the challenge is that these are newer friends, I've only been in this country for 6 months and it takes time to find one's crew. But what have bonded us is of course having fun while drinking. I'm now re-thinking this identity and so fearful of falling out of the circle. I won't be fun anymore, I won't be cool anymore. I have to remember if that falling out happens it will probably will be mutual-I won't be having as much fun at Dive Bar without the drink, I might not have as much fun with them. Ugh, this scary and lonely.
What I already miss about drinking: #1 The suspension of time #2 Feeling rebellious and fun #3 Being in the "in" crowd #4 How relaxed I feel #5 Bonding with Husband
I'm caught in the loss of my identity today. Mourning. Maybe tomorrow I can list someways of what I will gain by not drinking.
-Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp -Almost Alcoholic by Joseph Nowinski and Robert Doyle -After the Tears: Helping Adult Children of Alcoholics Heal Their Childhood by Jane Middelton-Moz and Lorie Dwinell