I just burst into tears after reading the first comments at the bottom of a sobriety blog. More on this blog later, I love it, because I have to address the crying. The first comment read,
"I am going to read each of the months as I am going through them. Thank you for organizing them this way. It's a great help!!"
I've said the same thing to myself about a year ago when I tried to quit, (then quickly changed my mind to "cut down" only after a few days), yet again convinced that I really don't have a drinking problem, I just needed to reset closer to moderation. After reading this comment I thought to myself: pathetic! So earnest and pathetic. I am so pathetic, "these" people are so pathetic. Just get it together...(me and all of you)...why can't I? Then a sleuth of thoughts came rushing in at me Let me see if I can recapture some of them to make sense of it-thank God for this online “diary” where I can spew to strangers...if anyone chooses to click on my pathetically titled blog that seems more about staying hydrated. Self-hate, I have a lot of it right now. And judgement. I have a lot of that too.
#1-I am not these pathetic people (I am feeling so judgmental). I have not gotten to the point of losing jobs, family, friends or health because of my drinking. I have never had an intervention and the amounts I drink are so little compared to others' stories when they try to stop drinking. Then I think "at least I'm not that bad, see I really am on the edge of being a moderate drinker, I don't need to quit." Then I think maybe they are the ones judging me and my stupid blog and attempt to quit drinking, "you think you have a problem? Go home little girl with your 5 drinks and a hangover, this recovery thing is for the big boys." Delete blog and go have a drink.
#2-These are my thoughts after 8 days of not drinking. What the fuck? I'm crying about my pathetic future already in the morning of day 8? In the blog post, Mrs. D is in month two of recovery and she mentions a book where the author warns that the 9th month of recovery is where many people relapse. 9 months? That’s 8 months and 3 weeks away from me. By 9 months this should be cake, a story to tell, I thought the hard part was now, the first month. I don’t know if I am up to the challenge, seriously I really don’t know. But it makes me feel gross to read any self-help stuff besides Mrs. D, too cultish, too pitiful, cultish, too far away from my story to relate.
#3-I’m scared. This is hard, I don’t know how to do this, who am I in all of this? Before last week, people in recovery made me uncomfortable because they were so intense: counting days, talking about the journey, telling horror stories of what they were like before they stopped-a real downer. Actually made me want a drink just to celebrate that wasn’t me. But now (fucking 8 days in) I’m starting to get it a little more...how hard it is and the tools and tricks necessary to keep doing it. That makes me want to cry again-I don’t want to be that person that is so self-absorbed in counting days, bleak, and telling cautionary tales a year from now-I’m fun, I’m adventurous, I’m well-rounded! How can I stop and not turn into that bitter haggard man chain-smoking cigarettes with a Sprite?
Okay, writing some of this has helped get the emotion out. This is the place where I can be the weak, desperate, dark, confused lady with a problem. In my real-time life, I’m still just taking the day off of drinking...everyday until I’m not.