A couple days ago, I was bus blogging and my phone lost service, and lost my whole post. It's taking me days to recover. I'm now over the frustration and ready to try again. It's not really a post that can be written again because it was all about wanting a drink after a long, productive and tiring day, and what I would do instead to overcome those cravings. Many days, right? Repeat.
Since my last post I've been thinking about the conversation with that teacher. There have been more conversations and he continues to get under my skin and make me question myself. I re-read some passages from the book After The Tears on adult alcoholics characteristics in the work place that applies to my situation.
Here's a quote:
All [adult children of alcoholics] suffered from low self-esteem, felt worthless, put others first and themselves last, and were poor team players. They didn’t know what normal was, and as a result had a high tolerance for dysfunction in the workplace. Each one of them was hypervigilant, frequently second-guessing the motives or actions of those around them, and each had difficulty trusting the competence of others. They felt responsible for the mistakes and/or emotions of those around them. All felt uncomfortable and undeserving of praise, yet defensive (whether expressed or internalized) when given constructive feedback, and they never felt that their performances were good enough. They had difficulty balancing their personal and professional lives and looked to their work to fill an emptiness inside themselves while continually feeling like imposters.
Yep, that's me at my lowest points in my professional life.
With this teacher, he brings out feelings from my childhood, triggering me to react to those feelings. My family always talked respectfully to each other and we never would talk about or address the bad behavior that resulted from alcohol or any negative emotion really. But I need to address his unprofessionalism and when I did I was floored when he turned around his irresponsibility and mocked me instead of taking ownership of his actions. I would have been so horrified to be called out and would have made it up tenfold but he did not.
I'm upset that he has gotten under my skin. I know I'm in the right yet I'm anxious about talking to him further about the ways he is unprofessional and that he has to change or his job is in jeopardy. Too much wasted energy on him and this situation. Ugh. Stupid. Bummer.
I used to drink with the best of them, but I don't anymore. I like myself better for it and have a full life because of it.
-Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp