A strong feeling and thought today: forever? Is it realistic that my goal is to never, ever drink again? I feel great and that's why I'm thinking this, but still it is frustrating to walk back through why I most likely won't be able to moderate. Hahaha, even writing this I imagined myself gulping a really cold beer. GULPING. Yep, not a sipper.
I've learned this acronym for relapse triggers: H.A.L.T.
I'm not really any of those today....maybe a bit lonely actually. I haven't had much contact or collaboration with my team in a bit. We are heads down and working towards spring break, I'm craving bonding and I'm feeling isolated in my role and office. But that's at work and I don't drink at work. So why would work loneliness make me thinking of drinking?
I think I felt bored today and that made drinking flash through my mind. Strange that I felt bored because I was so productive and centered in the good work of my job. I was in teachers' classes all day observing, giving feedback and offering support and suggestions. Six 20 minute drop-ins with written feedback to each one.
Why am I having flash thoughts about sobriety 20 years from now in the bathroom? Actually, I do know why that thought would happen in the bathroom. Old drinking habit to check the color of my pee to see how dehydrated I am. Today my pee was bright yellow and I had a second of, "What the..?" And then I remembered it was from my morning vitamin not because I majorly dehydrated from drinking.
But why 20 years out?
Maybe this is why people relapse-it seems too big. Until I die is too big. And there is that annoying and nagging thought: "I could just stop again if it got bad." You know, compare and contrast my Day seventy-Three's of sobriety over time. Is that the only thing that will keep me going: not wanting to start over? To prove I can do it? Just as I'm learning that no one really cares if I don't drink, no one really cares if I do drink.
It's for me. I'm doing this for me. I feel better, so much better. Its not worth the risks, and the benefits of drinking compared to the benefits of sobriety don't compare. Sobriety wins in all areas.
I'm happy here and a drink isn't going to make me feel less isolated at work or less bored. It would just make my job so much harder the next day and fuel my dark thoughts of isolation and sadness.
Okay-I thought through that one! I feel better. Ready to stay the course. Thank you my precious processing space.
I used to drink with the best of them, but I don't anymore. I like myself better for it and have a full life because of it.
-Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp