All this thinking and feeling is exhausting. But I know there will be benefits down the road and I feel strongly that the purpose of life is to find one's meaning in life and this work gives me meaning of who I am and why I'm here.
Yesterday was an emotional day. On the way home from work I listened to the song that EA wrote and sang about her own strong feelings right now. She said she was inspired by my blog and honesty and wanted to share how she processes through song. That song, and our friendship, made me weepy in a good way this time-the loop of shame to gratitude back to shame that I'm stuck in.
Here are her words and her song:
An Invocation (F7, FC, Em, Am)
I release it all, to invite all (chorus)
I release wanting to be anyone else.
I invite my unique expressions to flow.
I release toxic people.
I invite the loving inspiring and grounded.
I release the fear of lack.
I invite abundance.
I release toxic food.
I invite listening to what my body needs.
I release toxic thoughts.
I invite self-compassion.
I release the need to know what's next.
I invite a trust that all is perfect as it is.
I release the illusion of separation.
I invite collaboration what is bigger than me
I release worry.
I invite miracles.
I release 'good enough.'
I invite amazing.
I release stagnant thoughts.
I invite wonder.
I release “I can’ts”
I invite possibility.
I release unrequited love.
I invite being cherished.
I release hiding from truth.
I invite clarity.
I release the need to earn love.
I invite being loved as I am.
I release blaming.
I invite personal responsibility.
I release leaning on others for a sense of self.
I invite standing in my power.
I release the fear that’s in my way
I invite the power that is within me
I release beliefs that limit.
I invite beliefs that expand.
I went to yoga and breathed in invitations and exhaled release for an hour and I was feeling good. But as I lay down for shavasana at the end of yoga I was thinking again about last week-end when I had EA, E and the ex-smoker, MC, over for a movie night. I loved that night. I really laughed with these funny women, that laugh that the smart women on the Bubble Hour have talked about. That real genuine laugh that comes in sobriety. We all sat around and talked and laughed and snacked and no one drank. I had wine and booze in the fridge fro them, but no one asked (and they could have!) and we all had fun.
Then out of no where, I berated myself during shavansana over this beautiful night and memory: "You are so pathetic!" I told myself.
"It took you until you were 38 years old to figure out you can laugh without alcohol and that other people have fun without it? You make a big deal out of everything! Who cares that you laughed one night with some women? Who cares that no one was drinking at a social event? God you're are so pathetic!"
Then the tears started to squeeze out of my closed eyes an roll down into my ears and hair as I weakly argued back with myself that "it isn't pathetic to find joy in these new moments, it was wonderful..."
What the fuck self? Stop sabotaging and tainting my recovery and my memories! That was a beautiful night I don't care what you say.
I used to drink with the best of them, but I don't anymore. I like myself better for it and have a full life because of it.
-Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp