After two weeks, not drinking has seeped into my subconscious. I had a dream last night that I was meeting up with a mixed group of friends to spend a week-end in a cabin up in some snowy mountains. We were getting settled in, it was so cold and with deep snow, and I started the fire place to get us warmed up-and to stall from us going to get a drink. I remember there being lots of conversation about drinking as people milled around and unpacked, "let's go get a drink after this" and other such normal sentiments when a group is starting a week-end trip together. Normally I would be the one who promotes getting the party started-have a bottle in the bag to drink as we unpack, I don't have a problem, hahaha, I always prepared. But in my dream I was my new non-drinking self and no one knew it yet-biographical and accurate besides the snow and mountains since I live on the edge of the Sahara Desert. I felt so anxious about being exposed as a traitor when we would go down to the lodge and some one would order a round and I would say no. My dream ended before the actual ordering of drinks, I left the dream harboring my secret with the building anxiety of rejection from my friends. Sounds about right. And by the swollen eye lid this morning, I bet I was woken up by that damn mosquito that got me during the night on my hand and arm too.
I'm going to take that dream as a good sign. I'm practicing what I will do and how I will feel in upcoming social events where it becomes obvious that I'm not drinking....for weeks now people are seeing glimpses of it. Funny that my dream ended before the actual practice, because I feel I haven't really had too much practice in real large party situations or true sitting at the bar with rounds coming by. They will come and what will I say as the dudes hurl the "what the fuck" sort of comments at me and tell me to stop being a pussy? How to I make light of it as I hold my ground? I need more tools in my bag of tricks. As some guest on The Bubble Hour said, I'm white-knuckling it through early sobriety.
I used to drink with the best of them, but I don't anymore. My life is so much better for it.
-Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp