It's just before bed and I'm sneaking a blog post to my make-believe sober support group. Husband doesn't know I have a blog, no one but a couple of strangers who accidentally clicked by here do and I plan to keep it that way for a while more. I think I would feel silly or ashamed or judged if Husband were to read this. Eventually I will tell him it exists, but this feels too raw and personal for some one who really knows me to read. So ironic because it is on the internet and I hope someone does read it. I guess I assume my family and friends will never stumble upon this on their own so I'm safe. And those strangers who do stumble here are looking for sobriety blogs and are good company.
I am not telling people I have stopped drinking forever, or that I'm in recovery (I almost put it that in mental air quotes). I'm not ready yet. I'm one more story in the mix that was on that podcast The Bubble Hour, which was called, "To tell or not to tell people about your sobriety."
I have tried before to tell people that I'm quitting, or taking a break, and I have failed to keep sober afterwards. Part of it was due to not having any sober community and trying to be sober around all my drinking friends without doing anything differently. Eventually they wore me down and convinced me that I don't have a problem and that I'm so fun when I'm drinking. Another part is that I feel if I tell people now that I give my sobriety away...I'm doing it for them not myself. And right now I feel stronger than ever doing this for myself and by myself. I know I will need community close by eventually, but right now this feels good.
Another part is that by my personality. I don't like people to see me weak or imperfect. I want to practice in private and when they see me in action they see me at my best. Applied to sobriety, I want some time under my belt when I tell people so I can talk about what I already accomplished instead of what I hope to accomplish. I'm only 12 days in and I've never made it a full month without drinking that I can remember.
I used to drink with the best of them, but I don't anymore. My life is so much better for it.
-Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp