The last time I drank was at trivia night, with Husband and three dudes. Rounds of IPAs kept showing up without me asking; I lost track after 5 IPAs. DY was the fastest drinker and every time he was out, he brought a round back to the table. We all drank at DY's pace that night and were hammered. We actually won trivia and celebrated with a big whisky on the house. I got so drunk and was terribly hungover the next day. That was my day one.
Tonight we are supposed to defend our title. At first I didn't really think it through when it came up and I said that I was in, but I started to get anxious about having to say I'm not drinking. It's a bar. It's trivia. They are my drinking friends. I'm not ready.
Wrapped up in this is a reminder of why I shouldn't drink: I started to think about who could be my substitute. At work I asked another friend if he wanted to be my replacement, if he had heard about trivia night. I talked about how I didn't really contribute much to the answers. He looked at me and said, "I was on your team last time. You don't remember? I guess I was the one who didn't contribute much." And this was in front of my boss. So embarrassing. So embarrassing! Then I had to apologize, and say of course I now remember, I was so drunk...and then he said he didn't remember walking home. I think that is forgiveness?
I didn't remember he was there until he reminded me. Another black out, or is that a brown out? Now that memory gap is filled in, it's brown. But fuck! I'm so glad there is a growing space between my black outs and present state of mind. As time passes it will be something I did, not something I do....regularly.
-Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp -Almost Alcoholic by Joseph Nowinski and Robert Doyle -After the Tears: Helping Adult Children of Alcoholics Heal Their Childhood by Jane Middelton-Moz and Lorie Dwinell