I created another blog yesterday so I could start fresh. A fresh place of being anonymous and starting a "Day 1" where I will be sober again! A place where my 2.5 years of sobriety had "a lapse" and then I easily just started to be dry again. Not like my reality. I think I have a few personal friends who still check this page and I feel shame that I failed. I feel extra vulnerable that I did it right, and now I'm not getting it right. I judge myself and feel others must be judging me too. There has been too many Day 1's of Sobriety in the last few months.
I want to be sober again, not be because I fell off the wagon and ended up where I started. I would venture that I'm a pretty good moderate drinker. Usually keeping to 3 drinks a few times a week. But I don't want to be that "proud" moderate drinker, I'm still working to monitor that 3 drink rule, and easily overstep it. I don't feel good about my lapses, I don't feel good about the hangovers; they get in the way of my mindful living, the best version of myself that I'm crafting to be.
Another reason why started that other blog was that I also want to talk about things besides sobriety. My sobriety blog made me feel boxed in, that I had to only talk about sobriety here. But I can do that. I'm doing this whole thing to help me, if you want to read along dear reader, please do but I need to give myself the permission to be who I am and blog what I need to blog.
So I'm back. Please welcome me without judgment. Let me have my new Day 1, my fresh start, but not in secret and not on a new blog.
-Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp -Almost Alcoholic by Joseph Nowinski and Robert Doyle -After the Tears: Helping Adult Children of Alcoholics Heal Their Childhood by Jane Middelton-Moz and Lorie Dwinell