This morning I woke up feeling resentful about yesterday. A delayed emotional response, yet again. What was I resentful about? That the day's events revolved around Husband's drinking. And I don't anymore. I need a break from it, but didn't realize it until this morning-after yesterday where we got a drink in one bar, ate dinner in another bar, stopped to get beer at a store for later and then had a drink in another bar before heading back to our apartment. Then I got some sauna time. I went to bed and Husband had more beers!
Too much! Too much soda water, too much bar. I struggle here. I don't want to ask Husband to not drink because of my decision not to drink, I don't want to take away his rights. But, yesterday's frame got to me, waking up to more beer cans that I had to move off the table and drain by the sink got to me.
I just need to ask for a drink free day. A day where all decisions are about other delights - coffee, ice cream, the view, the crowd. Not me doing that and Husband making sure he has beer to entertain himself through it.
I don't want to have to ask, but I need to ask. I feel bad for asking him for this but I am resentful if I'm just sitting through a drinking routine. I bet he is resentful too: my non-drinking highlights his drinking, having to drink alone while I'm cold and tired. Me not wanting a soda water but not knowing what else I want.
We were out of sync yesterday.
When I traveled with CW and HH in Paris, drinking never came up because they didn't drink either, it was such a surprise to explore traveling as newly sober with other non-drinkers. Now I'm exploring traveling with a drinker, Husband, who I will do most of my traveling with over time. It's time for me to think through a bit of what I want that to look like, so as not to get stuck in silent resentment and open guilt.
And then I come back to this: what to do with all this sitting around talking and not drinking?? That is traveling and that is visiting. Drinking made it easier, but now what? [Thinking of Portland time] Shove shit in my mouth? Crochet? I sometimes just have nothing to say AND I'm not interested in listening. Learning to be present is hard. I fear that I'm becoming unsocialible, I fear the potential boredom, isolation, and disconnect up ahead.
Shut up Debbie Downer. I have been pleasantly surprised in the past. And I bet I will find there is a community of normies that I never noticed before that will meet me where I need it and will support me and help me find where I feel that connection, that engagement that energy. Hikes with people: moving and conversation! Shopping with people?
I got to get out of this funk today. It's still before noon, I can still shake it and have a full day in the positive. Even just writing this has unburdened me. Blogging is the best!
I used to drink with the best of them, but I don't anymore. I like myself better for it and have a full life because of it.
-Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp