My 8th month anniversary has come and gone without any fanfare. I'm just rolling with it, not thinking about not drinking. I am fine in social situations, I can talk about why I don't drink anymore, I've lost 15 pounds, I just feel healthy. All good.
But I do find the smell of whisky can be a trigger. Last night it was, and I thought in secession, "I got this [not drinking think]! Maybe I should have one drink." And then went through a quick thought conversation about how I have a self-imposed sanction on my drinking, no one would see me as if I fell off the wagon because I didn't seem to need to be on the wagon in the first place. I could just drink every-once-in-a-while and not be so extreme with "the none ever." One shot would get me nice and buzzed, that's all. I got it under control now.
Just in writing out my thoughts, I see how it wouldn't work out well, how it isn't worth the risk of diving back down into that life. Why the pull when the benefits are so small compared to the drawbacks? Why last night?
Some of that I could answer: Boredom. Isolation. Outlet.
I feel so prudent. I miss the wilded out fun that drinking induces. I'm bored with my well functioning life that is drama-free. Interestingly, the two antonyms of prudent listed with its synonyms are unwise and reckless. I want reckless but not unwise, and at this point to be reckless would be unwise because in my case they can't be separated. I must stay a prude. I need different outlets for adventure.
-Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp -Almost Alcoholic by Joseph Nowinski and Robert Doyle -After the Tears: Helping Adult Children of Alcoholics Heal Their Childhood by Jane Middelton-Moz and Lorie Dwinell