I woke up angry today. Not helping was waking up 15 minutes late with an accidental snooze and the fish tank filter sputtering for attention. So I didn’t do my yoga practice. I then yelled at the dogs for walking so fucking slow, seriously. My anger is leftover from yesterday’s conversation with a colleague that left me feeling put on, put out, powerless, bullied, angry at others for not doing their jobs and unappreciated all wrapped up together. There is a bundle of resentments to unpack! While my situation exacerbates my feelings, they are my feelings. These are not new feelings or feelings unique to this work place. I need to go inward and work on that instead of deflecting it on to others.
I’ve started step 4, and started working through my resentments with my dad. Much of those resentments are scattered throughout this blog and revisiting them have been emotional. No matter how much I think I’ve let it go, my emotions are still strong over my experiences as a child.
I have let those feelings seep into all aspects of my life and just like my current mood, they are my feelings and they will surface and seep into unrelated relationships when I am not being vigilant. They are outdated and reactive to a danger that is true but not real anymore. That is my contribution to the resentments I hold.
Maybe a sign of progress is that even I’m tired of digging through my childhood traumas. I know enough of the details to see the patterns that have been imprinted on me: I didn’t feel emotionally safe, I’m angry that I wasn’t take care of by the adults and made to feel inadequate for their love.
I might switch my focus from the tired examination of my dad’s faults to look at my current resentments. I bet that what I resent about people now will be refractions of my mom and dad’s faults and how they made me feel growing up.
I feel better now that I have written this out. Thanks blog!
I used to drink with the best of them, but I don't anymore. My life is so much better for it.
-Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp