I have a problem, a habit that fueling resentments, bringing me done, depleting my joy and gratitude and stirring up anxiety and toxic thoughts.
Without really realizing it, I get caught in these looping negative fantasies where I play out scenes over and over practicing how I might react, of course with me saying and doing the exact right thing. The latest one has been about my boss telling me I must do some unethical thing and me refusing and quitting on the spot. Week 2 of school and I am having resignation fantasies.
Last night, when a I was trying to fall asleep I got caught in the loop, over and over playing the details, different outcomes. The thoughts agitated me, energized me and created feelings of self righteousness and scorn towards a person over something that hasn’t happened.
It’s not helpful, it’s addictive, and feels empowering at the time. I do not have good strategies yet to break the patterning. I can stop myself and try to move on, and before I know it, I’m on repeat again.
I have tried to bring my looping thoughts with people previously, basically looking for a “me too! I hate it when that happens.” And I didn’t get that, the people that I asked didn’t seem to know what I was talking about. Or in denial that they have some obsessive thinking themselves. It can’t be just an addict’s mind trick, can it?
i will use recognizing and redirecting with breath work today to see if I can some success in controlling this destructive habit.
-Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp -Almost Alcoholic by Joseph Nowinski and Robert Doyle -After the Tears: Helping Adult Children of Alcoholics Heal Their Childhood by Jane Middelton-Moz and Lorie Dwinell