I am still here. I am still here. I am still here. It’s been over 3 weeks now of sobriety.
The regular chorus this morning: I am so tired of all the things I think I need to be doing daily that I can’t seem to get much of anything done, even the things good for me or that I want to do. I have been thinking of writing here (self-care) but haven’t been able to get myself to do it because of the weight of all I need to do.
I have been to a few AA meetings now and I’m just starting to understand how the flow of the meetings work, at least for a meeting of 4-6 people meeting in a coffee shop. They are super supportive and it does help to listen and it does help to share…but I feel like my sharing doesn’t come out right most of the time. It’s largely because I don’t know how to thread together a share around my drinking, reasons for drinking, whatever in a coherent way.
With that said, I’m ambivalent about AA. I found myself yesterday searching through Google stories against AA: how outdated it is and resistances to medical advancements for addictions, not a good fit for women, harmfully too narrow with its abstinence only pathway. I did that after my first lunch date with my new sponsor. Yes, I got myself a sponsor. I think I’m doing what I often do: try to research my way out of trying something new that will make me uncomfortable and have to do some work I don’t want to do.
Back to me being so overwhelmed with my work and self-made expectations. Can I take on meetings, check ins, one-to-one meetings with a sponsor as well as do the step work? Where is the time and more importantly the emotional and mental space for all of this new stuff?
My homework from my sponsor is to write my drunkalogue, to get honest with my drinking history. I have to capture 20 years of drinking?? I did start this last night and already I have recalled events that I not thought of in years, which is the point. This is good for me. I know this is good for me.
I used to drink with the best of them, but I don't anymore. I like myself better for it and have a full life because of it.
-Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp