I got the blues. I'm in the dumps and don't know how to pull myself out besides to go to bed and start over tomorrow. It's before 8pm and I'm counting down to when I can just call it in. It's Friday, it's my birthday, I'm sober, I have a great life, so much to live for, why am I stuck right now? Outwardly, it could be because its my birthday and I'm home with the dogs, a little pathetic that I have no friends to celebrate with. Husband is at a basketball tournament then out with the coaches. But my birthday isn't something that I'm comfortable celebrating so that's not really it.
I went through the motions of Foot Massage Friday, I took the dogs for a walk, and now I can't muster up the energy to do anything else: no crocheting, practicing the viola, yoga, or even feeding the fish. I don't have a tv to dive into, no drink to blunt the edges, no pot suspend me. I'm bored, I'm boring, I'm self-pitying and it's so depressing. I'll never get this day back and I'm just wasting it feeling sorry for myself instead of relishing what I have. I have so much and just can't tap into any of it right now.
It's also depressing to read my previous blogs, two years ago from now I hoped that I was "past" temptation and just myself without the drink. Obviously not true. I'm almost at 3 weeks again, which is something. Yes, it is something. But I have so much self-criticism.
I'm 42. My mom died when she was 62. My dad died when he was 66. If that is any indicator, it means I have a little over 20 years left. One third left and I'm wasting it away tonight pacing and crying into dog fur.
Is it the stress of work? I feel no relief from it on the week-ends. Am I just frazzled and exhausted? Is it my old wounds cracking open a bit? Is it that I feel isolated and alone? Is it that sadness is just part of living?
**********************************One hour later**********************************
My self pity party has settled down. Another example of "this too shall pass!" Part of what helped was actually looking back at some of my old blog posts (I'm such a narcissist) to see the work that I put into being sober and living a present life.
It's my birthday. At 39, with a few months of sobriety, I committed $390 to charity and gave 39 hours of service to the dog shelter in Egypt. For 40, I continued that for another year. For 41 I have no idea what did to celebrate and give back. But here I am again with another opportunity to celebrate by giving back for the life I've been given. All 42 years of it. I'll start planning on what to do.
I used to drink with the best of them, but I don't anymore. I like myself better for it and have a full life because of it.
-Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp