Well, yesterday was a completely lovely day plagued by craving for beer. And like many abstainers, I didn't wake up regretting that I didn't drink yesterday. But the thoughts of wanting to drink peppered throughout the day were more than an irritant, they were a bit alarming!
Alarming because I had been thinking that I'm "over that." So much so that I have thought about wrapping up this blog at six months because I have nothing more to say. Foolish me, I'm not cured. Foolish me, any new environment or really any new may bring out a reaction in me or at least give me pause to reflect on who I am now in this new space with myself. Husband and I are staying at a little cabin next to a lake. All there is to do is relax and look at the water, read and get in and out of the sauna. With so much free time to do nothing I couldn't help but romanize a beer on our cabin's porch. It would taste so good, would help me relax and settle me. I know. iknowiknowiknow. Walk through the whole thing. And I did. We would run out of beer and I'd be craving more, I would be embarrassed at how many bottles we went through for our host to recycle. I would have slept terribly, I would have...I would have...but I didn't. But mentally I felt close, a nudge closer to: "I could have..." So now what?? I'm going to sit by this lake all day, now sipping tea, listening to the birds and the rolling thunder. I will meditate soon. Finish my book today. Eat lunch, light the stove for the sauna. Stay up to watch the sun set at 10:53pm but never get dark. In the middle of all this, if I feel shaky, I will find some blogs to read, I will listen to the Bubble Hour. I can't imagine calling a friend...but I could research an AA meeting in Portland where I could meet another person that I could call in the future that would understand that call, who would know what to say. I sure don't know what I would say. "Hey friend. I feel like drinking...I know it is stupid and I shouldn't but....?" I feel dumb already. Does that make me too proud to ask for help? See my photo of tea and my lake view from the porch. What a beautiful day, not to be squandered by my demon thoughts. I'm going to mediate, drink my tea, and love my sober life today.
3 Comments
Kendall
6/28/2015 05:04:55 am
Hi - I have been reading your blog for awhile. I attend a few AA groups in PDX - 1 woman-only group and 2 different secular-ish AA groups. I would be happy to talk or meet up with you while you are in Portland, if you would like. E-mail me if you are interested. :) Kendall
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6/29/2015 09:46:56 am
Kendall,
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AuthorI used to drink with the best of them, but I don't anymore. My life is so much better for it. Archives
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