This year my job has pushed me to my limits of what I feel I can handle. I can’t wait for this school year to end and I can’t imagine completing all the work I need to before the end actually happens. (Chest constricting)
Damnit! I don’t want to complain about work, I don’t want to think about work. I know I need to be present in my life and process and secure my early steps without drinking. I have nothing to say. My brain is such oatmeal that I don’t have much to say and it pisses me off that my job sucks so much life out of me that there isn’t much left at the end of the day.
I’ll use a quote as filler and prompt. This is from Recovering: Intoxication and Recovering by Leslie Jamison. It rang true to me yesterday.
“There was relief in that, in hearing another human being say how fucking hard it was, for her as well, just the simple act of living in the world without anything to blunt its edges.”
I want something to blunt the edges of my life on days like this. I’m tired, lazy, uninspired, stressed. When I read this quote I ask why do we all feel the need to blunt the edges of the only lives we will ever have? What can I do to release, recenter and reconfigure so that my life does not feel so sharp that it needs blunting of the edges?
I guess if my life's edges didn't need blunting, it might be that my life needs [fill in the blank] and that used to be filled by drinking. It's not stress that makes me drink. It could be any emotion that would "drive" me to drink. I have to remember that. I have to release the stress, no outside force or substance is a sustainable substitute.
-Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp -Almost Alcoholic by Joseph Nowinski and Robert Doyle -After the Tears: Helping Adult Children of Alcoholics Heal Their Childhood by Jane Middelton-Moz and Lorie Dwinell