It’s Sunday morning. One week ago today I was at a new “Day 1” of sobriety. About 3 years ago I was at a “Day 1” that last for 2.5 years of sobriety. This completion of a week feels different than first completion of a week from 3 years ago. Of course it’s because I am different.
I did not start over at the beginning of a sober journey besides in the physical sense. The emotional work I did to heal and examine the underlying causes of my drinking happened and I have carried the work with me to here. I went back to read some of my earlier blog posts and my fears and struggles at that time are on the margins for me now. This is actually such a relief for me and a surprise that I’m not back at “square one” but at a new starting point. I don’t know what my hurtles will be going forward and I find that exciting. I won’t be slogging through the same shit as before, I’m not sure why I thought it would just be a repeat.
In looking back through my previous writing I realized that I really struggled with the balance of holding on to my present life and making space for a support community. I craved community but I did not seek it out very well. I was blogging, reading books, listening to podcast, but not taking the time to read others’ blogs and reach out to the online community. I didn’t dialog, didn’t put the time in for friends. It feels like a big commitment of time that I don’t know if I can sustain over the long haul…I just don’t want to be online so much. Yet, reading through Thirsty Still’s most recent blog post made me cry. Flooded me with my own memories, stirred the pot of reflection, connection, feeling my feelings. I went to her blog because she left me a message on my blog in 2015. Back then I didn’t connect back to her blog, and when I did yesterday I see we had a lot in common. She’s not really blogging anymore, she expressed that she doesn’t feel the need to blog much anymore about her drinking. I wish her well and I happy to be connected her story even with the time difference of years. It’s a bit sci-fi to make a friend out of the time and space continuum. She wrote in 2015, I read her blog yesterday from 2017, I responded to her comment from 2015 in 2018. My present self connecting with her past self about both our past selves. Trippy!
Anyway, she was one of many who stopped by my blog to say hi and I never returned the call. I have been pretty self-centered in my recovery thus far, putting on my life vest first and getting to safety. Maybe this time around I can reach out a bit more and help myself while making a friend and helping out others along the way. Maybe this is the new river I am crossing.
I used to drink with the best of them, but I don't anymore. I like myself better for it and have a full life because of it.
-Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp